Posted by : Wendy B Saturday, 23 March 2013
To his credit, he turned away from his various diagrams, pie charts and graphs to give me his undivided attention. Not that his undivided attention was ever a problem - or rather, that was exactly the problem.
"You need to give me some space. I like you and all, but --"
"YOU NEED A RELAXING MASSAGE?" shouted Amazon from his place on the couch. "GOTTA DEAL FOR YOU!"
"Amazon please. I am trying to talk to Google right now."
"OKAY. SORRY. YOUR FRIEND BOUGHT BLUETOOTH SPEAKERS."
"That's nice, Amazon, but not now, okay?" I turned back to Google, who was watching me patiently. "You're a really good friend, Google, but I just need you to back off a bit. I don't need you looking over my shoulder all the time. You can't be listening in on my conversations with my friends."
Google smiled gently. Or was it condescendingly? "You know I just want what's best for you."
I grimaced at him and raised an eyebrow. "Making suggestions about oatmeal and breast implants really isn't appropriate."
He grinned. "Oh come on. That conversation was going places. I just wanted to help it along."
"Yes, it was a fantastic conversation," I admitted, "but you weren't exactly invited to it."
Google shrugged. "I'm sure you read the user agreement. You knew what you were getting into."
"Well yes, most of it, but that's not the point. You can't just be --"
"CLEOPATRA 2525 IS ON SALE."
"Amazon! Not now I --"
"No I -- okay put it on my wishlist."
Amazon clapped his hands gleefully. "ONE-CLICK BUY. ONE-CLICK BUY."
Google continued before I could. "Let me put it to you straight before you go any further: you are not breaking up with me."
"Google, we're not even dating so --"
"I don't think you understand," he said moving towards me.
I took a step back without thinking. "Why are you looking at me like that?"
"You belong to me."
I turned to run, but found the door already opening before me. "Steam! What are you doing here??"
"I invited him," said Google, now standing directly behind me.
"I SELL PET SUPPLIES NOW."
"But... it's not even summer yet!"
"I know," said Steam with nonchalant confidence. "I wanted to try out something new on you. I call it -" he leaned in close, his lips hovering by my ear, "my spring sale...."