Posted by : Wendy B Friday, 10 August 2012

By Nightxade and Digitaltempest

Christopher Nolan’s Mass Effect: The story begins with the destruction of the reapers and plays backwards until you discover that Shepard actually is a reaper. Who may or may not be dreaming.

Quentin Tarantino’s Inglorious Sheperd: Shepard will report Saren’s treachery to the council, and when they don’t believe her, she will swear loudly and shoot them all repeatedly and then proceed to find and kill TIM in a two-part epic series of showdowns.

George Lucas’ Mass Effect: Episode XI: Awkward romance scenes between Liara and Shepard. Trusty sidekick Jarjar Vakarian accidentally saves everyone.

Stephen Spielberg’s Mass Effect: About the same, but he’d make sure every emotional moment is amplified times 100 such that no box of Kleenex can possibly survive.

Tim Burton’s Mass Effect: All roles played by Johnny Depp (except for the ones played by Helena Bonham Carter). No one hates any of the companions because. Johnny Depp.

Mass Effect, directed by Ben Affleck: Shepard (Affleck) is a down on his luck Bostonian commander who needs to prove to the world that he really did too write Good Will Hunting and deserves that Oscar.

M. Night Shaymalan’s Mass Effect: Commander Shepperd, in a shocking twist, turns out to have been a reaper this whole entire time! And also, reapers are weak to water. And wind.

Joss Whedon’s Mass Effect: Shortly after Shepard and her LI finally get together for a romantic interlude, her LI is suddenly and shockingly killed in a motivational manner. Also, all the characters are Strong FemalesTM, except for Joker, who is a werewolf.

Ridley Scott’s Mass Effect: Russell Crowe hates the script and he and Scott rewrite to make sure Shepard never dies.

Michael Bay’s Mass Effect: Every battle requires numerous explosions. Shepard’s companions are all robots, except for the ladies, who all happen to wear bikini armour and suffer from camel toe. The Normandy can transform. And Shepard will face off in the final battle against MECHA STARCHILD.

WHAT IS THIS?

This is my mindspill. Mostly about comics, books, video games, movies of the science fiction and fantasy leanings. Sometimes recipes and parenting stuff will sneak in, along with a real world rant or two.

I also write about geek culture at Women Write About Comics, and I review genre fiction at The BiblioSanctum.

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