Posted by : Wendy B Wednesday, 25 July 2012
DISCLAIMER: This is a work of fanfiction and satire for my personal entertainment (and maybe yours). Dragon Age and Mass Effect and all related characters and locations are the property of Bioware Inc. RATING: Grown ups.
But the darkness did not last. Or perhaps it lasted for centuries. She couldn’t tell. All she knew is that there actually was a light ahead of her. Glancing around, she could find no other way out of her apparent prison. “I should go,” she decided, and moved towards the light.
As it grew closer, she realized that the light was actually being held in someone’s hand. Closer still, and she discovered that someone was a young boy. No, not a young boy – at least, not a young human boy. A young dwarf. He beckoned her forward and whispered something that she could not hear. She reached him at last and gazed down at the bright object in his hand. It shone like the stars that, she realized, had begun to appear around them. He held it out to her and nodded encouragingly. “Enchantment.”
Puzzled, she reached out and touched the object. Immediately, the stars blurred around her and she felt herself hurtling backwards and forwards and upwards and down and around. “Enchantment,” she heard once more before the darkness once more engulfed her.
Commander Shepard blinked once, twice. She had no idea who the two men looking down at her were, but she felt strangely satisfied, despite the lingering aftermath of unpleasant dreams about dragons and giant squid.
“I’m sorry,” said the swarthy-skinned bearded man, “The Joining Ritual is not very pleasant.”
The blond man grinned charmingly, “But it’s been much improved by the drell chaser!” He nodded to his right and Shepard noticed a strikingly handsome lizard-like humanoid sheepishly avoiding her confused but lustful stare.
“There is no time to waste,” said Duncan with calm urgency, “We must meet with King Anderson and Teyrn TIM to discuss how we will deal with this new Blight and the Dark Energy Spawn invading the surface.”
Shepard will embark on an exciting adventure where she will meet many strange and wonderful and entirely sexable beings. There will be heartbreak and sacrifice. There will be love and pre- AND post-battle sex - nay - orgies. There will be punchable Quarians and mutating Kossith and elves. There will be randomly placed ogres. There will be blood magic arts and craft quests and several visits to various bars. Shepard will meet the mysterious Hackett of the Wilds, the Great Meresino and the Cult of the Existential Kaidan and that lovably split personality companion named Fenders who hates turians one minute and loves them the next.
And when Merrill accidentally blows up the Council in the Chantry, releasing all the pent up Dark Energy Demons, Shepard will find herself forced to join with the Archreaper, Harbinger (who is secretly in love with her, just like everyone else) to stop Dark Petrice from unleashing all the red/blue/green omni-lyrium on the world.