Posted by : Unknown Wednesday, 27 June 2012

Minutes of the 599th Reaper Annual General Meeting
Location: Earth, Sol System

DISCLAIMER: This is a work of fanfiction and satire for my personal entertainment (and maybe yours). Mass Effect and all related characters are the property of Bioware Inc. RATING: Grown ups.

Chairperson: Starchild 
Secretary/Treasurer: Harbinger

Regrets: Sovereign

Issues arising from Previous Minutes
Prothy the Reaper expressed concern over leaving the rachni yet again. Prothy the Reaper was ignored on the grounds that no one wants to reap bugs.

Welcome New Members
Due to the heavy losses sustained in this recent Reapening, it was determined that all the races harvested would be permitted dreadnought status. Consequently, the council welcomed new members Plucky the Reaper, Slutty the Reaper, Science All The Things! the Reaper, This One is a Reaper the Reaper, I.AM.REAPER the Reaper, Don't Lick It the Reaper, Humans Suck the Reaper, Photoshop URFace the Reaper, Heavy Breathing the Reaper and So Many Emotions the Reaper.

Slutty the Reaper expressed disapproval over her given name, noting that asari were not merely dancers with nice boobs. Plucky the Reaper filed a complaint against Humans Suck the Reaper, suggesting that Got Our Asses Kicked At Shangxi the Reaper might be a more appropriate name. I.AM.REAPER the Reaper refused to sit next to Science All The Things! the Reaper and spent the majority of the meeting stomping around the board room yelling his name and demanding that headbutting be considered the new council greeting.

The 599th Reapening Report
Chairperson Starchild presented a chart (Appendix A) indicating the planets that had been reaped during the most recent Reapening. As per the presence of the new council members, all organic life on the check list had been reaped, however, there was concern over the significant resistance this cycle presented. Prothy the Reaper commented that the resistance during the previous cycle was far better. Science All The Things! the Reaper postulated that future cycles were likely to increase resistance, what with the increasing amount of technology that is being constantly left behind, promoting faster than normal evolution. He noted that the Crucible in particular was problematic and suggested it not be ignored in future Reapenings. 

Starchild stated that, as per Sovereign's final recommendation, the geth had been permitted to remain. Plucky the Reaper asked why the geth were being favoured, to which Starchild replied that they were cool and kind of cute. Plucky the Reaper asked for clarification, to which Starchild replied that the geth had proven useful, without having to expend resources turning them into husks. Plucky the Reaper noted that the geth actually disproved the reaper theory that synthetics always rebel against their creators and subsequently destroy them, to which Starchild told Plucky the Reaper to shut the fuck up about the geth. Plucky the Reaper volunteered to form a committee to further study the geth phenomenon. 

Social Committee
In the absence of Sovereign, Fabulous the Reaper was selected as the new head of the social committee. The council looks forward to a very exciting 600th Reapening Parade. 

Other Business
Harbinger presented his secret project, a reaper in human form, which he called Shepard (Appendix B). He suggested future reapers be made in this image, and kept caressing the reaper in a disturbing fashion, causing Plucky the Reaper to excuse himself, saying, "I should go."

Science All The Things! the Reaper's request to dissect fellow reapers was denied.

Prothy the Reaper's request to assimilate all the reapers into one giant reaper of domination was denied. Again.

There being no further business, the meeting was adjourned. Next meeting: 50,000 years from now.


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I also write about geek culture at Women Write About Comics, and I review genre fiction at The BiblioSanctum.




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